Homework and mountain tops
One of my lifetime reoccurring dreams has been that I am in school and I have work left to be done, casting shadow on whether I am able to graduate. The feeling always is that there is more work to be done.
I had this dream on my 50th birthday. It sent me back into therapy asking with frustration, “What more do I need to know? What am I missing?”
On my 25th birthday I remember earnestly asking my Mother “What do I need to know? I think I’ve got it …What else do I need to know now?” Wisely she offered no advice.
This dream skipped my 60th birthday and I was relieved. But this morning on my 63rd birthday, I woke to the dream that I had many pages to read about chemistry and history. I was uncertain if I could catch up. I remember saying something like “I am not interested in learning about the titans of chemistry and I don't feel like reading.”.” But in my dream, I devised a plan to start reading, hoping to glean the cliff notes and envisioning I could make my way through the test with wisdom, logic and good test taking skills.
A new dream followed the old one. I was on top of a rocky cliff. I had made it to the top. And now it was time for my descent. As I began to get my footing to climb down, a piece of the rock top broke off. I do remember saying confidently to myself, I have the ability to make it to the bottom.
In real life I remembered the Netflix movie “The Alpinist” about a fearless rock climber. In the video of his last ascent to a mountain top, I heard him say on video “The way down is not clear.” I felt in this statement that his spirit intuitively knew there was no clear path to the bottom. That time the avalanche fatally buried him and his buddy. In my dream the way down was clear. I had the ability to get all the way down.
My dream world is telling me, I still have more to learn. There is more to do. I am Ok with that this year. It ensures I’ll be around for a while. And while I may have reached a peak and there has been loss. I have the confidence to keep going. The journey is not over.
So good for now. Life will have more challenges and learning. Today I am content with that message. I plan to keep on working on the challenges and see the journey until it’s done. And while my brain and body are not as vigorous as it was when I was 25, I still have enough vision and energy to keep on my path.